Recently, I was approached by a work buddy of mine who knows my situation quite well and in turn, I know his the same. I could tell he was hurting; having a rough time with something. As I sat on his desk at work he asked me to lean in closely, he looked me in the eye and whispered to me “how do you deal with it?”.
Now normally he and I have the type of banter that requires me to shoot back with a quick and hilarious remark usually involving curse words of some sort. But this was not one of those times This was a serious time. This was a time to talk about “IT”.The all mighty powerful “It“ that can bring grown men down to their knees. The “It” referring to the depression that you encounter in the art of co-parenting.
Now, I’m not here to tell his story and quite frankly don’t want to tell mine in detail. This is also not intended to bash the mother of my child or to play the pity card. But I want to share this story because the surprising confidence in which I responded to him.
Before we get to my response, I think its important that we outline the “It” in detail. Co-Parenting, regardless if it started at the child’s birth or 10 years into their life, means that something happened causing you and the other parent to not be together. Being separate, making separate decisions and living separate lives. When there is a child in the middle of that it adds a whole new level of Oh Shit.
As you have probably gathered from the past postings, I have my own issues that I work everyday to own up to and improve on but Co-Parenting brings so many of my issues to the front. Fear of Abandonment, Paranoia, Insecurities, False Truths, they all run rampant in my head from time-to-time.
As a non-primary co-parent (Self Defined) I am not normally in with my child. Shes currently lives with her mom and I have visitation. My situation involved co-parenting from birth so it made more sense that she lived with her mom.
But with that distance and the silence that comes with a failed relationship, I constantly feel out of the loop and panicked as to where my child is and if they are safe. Every decision that I wasn’t a part of meant that I was losing my child. Every time a text or call went unanswered, something must be wrong. The constant threats of courts and the unknown weight that it could bring into the relationship. Having nightmares where your child goes missing and never seen again. The bitterness that you taste when the other parent walks out your door taking their child home.
It can drive you nuts. Taking you into a deep depression where you question if you can make it to next visitation without losing your shit and running to the courts to get your rights.
And I knew that’s what my buddy was going through…
The battle of the unknown. The struggle of loneliness and missing your kids. The seemingly never-ending tug of war with the mother. Questioning if you’re screwing up your kid with every conversation.
I have fought this battle for the last 20 months and will continue to fight it for as long as my daughter lives and it is by far the hardest thing I will ever do.
But here’s what I have learned over my short time in my situation and this is what I have shared with him.
It was only when I was able to stop looking for more. More power, more time, more decisions more rights, more this, more that. When I stopped feeling that I had to fight with my entire being. When I stopped worrying about her running off with my kid. When I stopped questioning if my child really knew who I was and if they truly loved me. When I just STOP. That’s when my IT subsides. When I hold my child and look into her eyes and see her smile my IT subsides. When I truly feel the gratitude for the time I get to spend with her each week, that’s when my IT subsides. When I let go of the little things and focus on the big, that’s when my IT subsides.
See, my most recent revelation is that life is too short!!! Too gosh darn short!!! My time is too precious to live life worrying, being filled with anger and doubt.
I have been blessed with the opportunity to be in my child’s life and while I do not have total control, I have learned that I do not need it to show my daughter love and compassion and to ensure that I have a presence in her life. And its only when I stop and appreciate what I have that my situation gets easier.
So, I will end with this…. No matter how hard it gets, choose your battles wisely and think big picture and long-term. Know that it is up to you to make every minute with your child count. And I will continue to do the same.
"The Epitome Of Me" 